Life or Death
by AutumnButterflylives
Summary: Bella is forced into the vampire world in ways she never thought. Her human life wasn't anything great, and her vampire life isn't much better. She excludes herself to stay in her past, but can someone save her?


**Here is my entry for the non-cannon contest :)**

 **Summary** : Bella is forced into the vampire world in ways she never thought. Her human life wasn't anything great, and her vampire life isn't much better. She excludes herself to stay in her past, but can someone save her?

 **DISCLAIMER** : Twilight and its inclusive material is copyright to Stephenie Meyer. Original creation, including but not limited to plot and characters, is copyright to the respective authors of each story. No copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

I sat on the couch next to Emmett, playing Call of Duty. It was one of the few games I could sit and play for hours on end. Even better, I could beat his butt at any given time. Maybe it was because I wasn't in a hurry to finish a match. At least I hadn't broken a controller. Yet.

I just thought I was pretty decent at this game, unlike a lot of the people online that I played against. I never made a huge deal about being killed by a sniper or camper. I just played for fun; a way to pass the endless time I had on my hands.

"Nooo!" he whined as I killed him once again. A smirk made its way to my lips. I loved killing my brother.

This right here was why we never played against each other. But the damn game had put us against each other for some reason.

"You so deserve it," I said, bumping my shoulder into his.

It had taken me over a year to let this man beside me be close enough to touch. Now, four years after the first time I met him, we were able to sit side by side and joke.

Emmett wasn't threatening, so to speak. He just looked like he could take my head off with a flick of his fingers. But he was the gentlest person alive. He was my big brother, and I could never see my life without him. He was the one that had the most understanding of my past, other than Esme of course. The others in the house just thought I'd outgrow what I had been through.

How could one just outgrow the past? They couldn't. It was that simple. It took time, and being a vampire made overcoming the past, for me anyhow, harder than a human. I couldn't just take anti-depressant meds and be all happy and giddy. It wasn't who I was. I suffered in silence.

I was getting better. I was able to be in the room with a male. I had yet been able to feel comfortable enough to call them family. I didn't feel like I belonged to them, or them to me.

I was a strange sort of vampire, and forever would be. Being an introvert vampire was certainly out of the norm for our breed. It didn't help that my past kept haunting me, too.

I was what I was, and no one could tell me differently. Just asked Alice. She hated the idea that I disliked people, shopping, crowds, and gatherings.

Now, Rose and I just didn't see eye to eye. We had just always gotten off to the wrong foot for some reason, and I still had no clue as to why. She just seemed stuck up. Guess I probably did too when I did everything to keep to myself and never go out of my way to make someone happy.

The one person in the house that absolutely loathed my guts was Edward. He had it in his head that we were meant to be a mated couple. But that all went out the window when he had the nerve to touch me. I ended up nearly biting his hand off, and he certainly deserved it. Ever since then, he has refused to look at me. I say it was luck on my side for once. I didn't have to ever worry about him trying to get me to do something I didn't want to do.

Carlisle was tolerable, just because he did keep his distance and never made me fear him. It took me time to even let him be in the same room as I was.

With any male, it took me longer to accept that no one here would ever hurt me. I was safe. As safe as a vampire could be. I didn't have to worry about trying to figure out where to go or how to live on my own. This coven made me feel welcome, but I still didn't fit in.

I knew there was something else out there that was calling my name, but I just couldn't pin my finger on what that was. Maybe if I had the guts to leave this house besides just hunting, I'd figure out what it was.

Sometimes, I was scared of my own shadow. Thinking of how I got here always brings me back to my worst times in life. My human life was nothing to be desired. I hated life and welcomed death with open arms.

(Flash Back)

My teeth rattled as lightning streaked across the sky. In that one brief moment of light, I saw the monster before me. The monster that would no doubt be the ending of my pathetic life. I pushed myself as close to the side of the house as I possibly could, fearing for my life. I knew my end was coming. I felt it in my bones.

I was freezing, and it wasn't because of the weather. Today had easily been over ninety degrees, humid, and no release from the scorching sun as I tended to the yard. Not that doing yard work really made any difference to how crappy the house looked from the outside. I can't remember the last time the house looked well taken care of. I had to guess it had to be before we ever lived in this crap hole.

This monster before me was going to kill me, and it wasn't going to be fast. He'd pull me along until the very last drop of blood left my body.

I had been fearing this man for so many years, I no longer could fight him. I had no will left in me to even try. I was just so tired. So tired of being alive and fighting to stay that way.

I was ready to die. I was ready to let this world take my soul and let it end up wherever it would end up next.

"Please," I said, my words lost in the wind as the sound of thunder echoed around us. The first few rain drops fell from the sky, mixing with my tears.

"There is no one left to save you," the man said, his eyes showing me just how much he hated me. Even though his eyes were the same color as mine, that was the only thing we shared in common.

"Then just kill me," I wheezed. My breathing was labored from the last beating he had given me just days before. "Don't keep me alive if I'm not good enough for you."

"But where is the fun in that?" he laughed, stalking forwards. Before I could brace myself, my hair was wrapped tightly in his fist and my head was forced backwards. "You keep defying me, girl, and you will wish you were dead."

"I already do," I spat, letting some of my bloodstained saliva hit him in the face.

In the next heartbeat, his palm smacked me against my cheek, causing me to twist my head the other way. With my hair in his fist, the force of the hit almost made me snap my own neck. At least then I'd be done with this stupid life.

"Don't talk unless I give permission," he hissed, coming nose to nose with me.

"Fuck you," I said, spitting right in his face.

That wasn't the best choice for me, but I smiled when complete darkness took over. The last thing I saw before my eyes slid closed was the butt of a gun right before it hit me on the head.

I can't remember a time when Dad was happy and content with life. I can't recall a single time he wasn't angry about one thing or another. I grew up in a household where he'd hit Mom at any given time if he was in a mood or if he was looked at the wrong way. He'd yell at me for being too loud while eating dinner. He'd threatened to kill me to keep Mom in line way too many times.

All that came to a halt when Mom threatened to leave, but that only lasted for a few days. A week later, Mom didn't wake up. I had found her in a pool of her own blood, her wrists cut open and Dad nowhere to be seen.

The police said it was suicide, but I was smart enough to know what it truly was. This monster had killed her. Right as she slept. I knew she had fought him. But in the end, the monster got the blood he was after, and that made my life worse than I ever thought it could.

For six years, I became Dad's personal punching bag. He would hit me anytime I didn't do something to his liking. He'd yell at me for not answering a question fast enough when he was in a different room.

He was a monster through and through.

To the community, he was a sad, lonely drunk with a daughter who had a drug problem. I never once touched a drug unless I was in unbearable pain. It was enough for the town to think the lies were true, so why would I fight it?

I had plans to leave as soon as I turned eighteen. I planned to just pack my bags and leave right at midnight. I was done being my father's puppet and doing what he wanted. I was his punching bag, along with other things I don't entirely want to talk about.

Ever.

Instead of disappearing from the town I was forced to look at from the outside, I was now wishing for death more than ever. I kept hoping that every night he'd just take me out of my misery. I just wanted this to all end.

He never did. I don't think it really crossed his mind. Or if it did, he just didn't want to lose someone so weak to control.

He was supposed to be asleep when I sneak out. Normally, he is passed out from whatever alcohol he had consumed the entire day. This time, I was not so lucky.

Expecting him to be passed out in the living room, I went to the back door to sneak out. I had his old truck keys in my hand and a single bag full of my belonging. I hadn't counted on Dad walking down the hallways right at the time. When he spotted me, even still in a drunken haze, his yelled words echoed around the inside of my head. It was if fate knew I wasn't meant to live past the eighteenth birthday.

When Dad saw me and yelled, I ran out the back door as fast as I possibly could. I had to get away. Adrenaline and fear ran through my veins. I wasn't able to run as fast as I would have liked, as my body was still healing from the last beating he had given me for not having one single dish washed. I was pretty sure at least two of my ribs were broken, my leg was messed up, and so many bruises covered me from head to toe, I couldn't tell you what they were all from anymore.

I hadn't made it far. I was yards away from the yellowish orange truck when Dad's fist had grabbed ahold of my bag and I was flung backwards to a quick stop. The strap cut into my sore shoulder, causing me to cry out in not only pain, but also disappointment.

I was disappointed in myself for not being more careful. I should have thought of another option.

At least now, maybe I'd finally find that peace I had been searching for. Maybe now, I'd get a release from the monster that controlled me.

000

What felt like hours later, my body became aware.

Why couldn't I just die? Why did my life have to go on? I was finished, and if the monster couldn't take me out, I'd do it myself.

"Shhh, it's okay," spoke a soft voice from above me. Her blond hair was like a halo around her shoulders and head as the morning sun rose into the sky.

I couldn't get my words to form on my tongue. My mouth was dry, my body pounding to each beat my heart gave. My eyes were almost too heavy to keep open.

"This may hurt, but I can't let you die. You are meant to live," the voice spoke softly as she ran a hand over the top of my head as if she were a mother tending to her sick child who was too weak to keep taking breaths.

Oh, right. I was too weak. I could feel my lungs squeezing, cutting off my air flow.

My eyes no longer were able to stay open as she dipped her head down to my ear. "Please don't hate me for this," she whispered (,) right before she bit into my neck.

My eyes sprang open and a scream ripped from my throat as what felt like flames were burning me from the inside out. It started from the spot she bit me and traveled to my arms, chest and legs. I thought I had endured hell before, but this topped it all.

Why was I so unlucky? Why me? Hadn't I suffered enough?

"Remember how you got here. Remember who you are," the voice spoke, her voice cracking as she spoke. It was if my pain hurt her. It should. It was her fault I wasn't dead. "Remember. That's all you have to do. Think of the good times you've had."

"I don't think she's had many of them," state a male voice not far away.

At his voice, my body turned on its own to protect whatever was left of me. My legs automatically pulled up to my chest, my hands tucked around my stomach.

I couldn't take it anymore. It was all too much.

I let the fire take me. I let it consume my thoughts, body, and my life.

This was Hell, and I hoped the fire would kill.

0000

For hours, or maybe even days, I was in and out of consciousness. Every time I was aware of my surroundings, I tended to find myself moving, yet my body wasn't. The world around me was flying by at top speeds, as if I was in a car without the vibration.

It didn't make any sense.

The times I was able to take in what was going on, I found myself being held by some sort of goddess. Her hair was blowing behind her. Her blood red eyes looked at me before glancing to the man that ran beside us. He didn't speak, as far as I could hear, but that didn't mean anything.

The fire still burned inside, and apparently it wasn't going to move to my flesh anytime soon. The only thing it did other than be painful, it caused my heart to beat erratically. It was as if my heart had a mind of its own. One minute it was going a million miles an hour, then the next it was skipping beats.

What the hell had this woman done to me?

"Are you sure this is the right thing to do?" she asked. "Will she really be better off with them?"

"I know so, Char," the male said, his voice sad but knowing. "We can't keep her with us. Not with our type of life. It's not for the likes of this one here. She'll be different. Strong in the end, but different. She needs someone that can compromise and have the patience that is needed. We are not it."

"You do have a quick temper when things don't work," the one named Char agreed quietly. "I want to keep in touch with her, though."

"You can. I'm sure Esme will like that. She's always had a soft spot for you anyhow." His voice trailed off as if he couldn't help but remember better times himself.

They both fell in to silence again as my mind went blank.

0000

The next time I woke up, it was pure fire in my chest. The rest of my limbs were, well, just there. They didn't hurt. They weren't tied down. Just there. But my chest hurt like no other. It was a fire in my heart, beating twenty million miles an hour. It also felt as though I had been shot by a swarm of bees right there in the center of my core.

I didn't hope for death, as death seemed to never come greet me. Death hated me; I hated death. There was no other way around it.

I was no longer being held by a strong set of arms, thankfully. Instead, I was laid out on top of a bed with smells of lavender and something else I couldn't place. The sunlight from the windows shined into the room, but the outside sounds seemed to be as close as if I were right outside.

Not knowing what to expect, I opened my ears, listening to everything around me. I could hardly hear over the pounding of my heart. Sure, I could hear the birds and other animals outside, but I couldn't hear a single thing inside wherever I was.

Where the heck was I? What had been I forced into now? After the life I had been forced to live, would I really be able to handle anything more?

I sure didn't think so.

Within seconds, my heart seized, my body arched, and I held in the scream that wanted to escape. Moments later, my body fell flat on the bed. I breathed in, taking a lung full of air as much as I could. In that breath, I noticed that nothing hurt any longer. There was no pain. No aches. No dullness.

Also, with the breath of air, I tasted flavors that floated around me. The outdoors. Other people that had been in this room. I assumed it was people, but I wasn't entirely sure.

Opening my eyes, I saw dust particles, the crack in the ceiling, and one person standing on the far side of the room. The same person that had supposedly saved me.

Before I knew what I was doing, I was across the room, my back against the farthest wall from this being. A growl rose from my chest, scaring myself more than the other female in the room.

I whimpered, falling to my knees as my growl died off. What had I become? What did she turn me into?

"Hey, it's okay," she said, as if I was a scared puppy that had been kicked by its owner and left in the wild outdoors. "There's nothing to be afraid."

Just everything to be afraid of. Nothing to worry about at all. Can you see my eyes mentally rolling there, because I sure could?

"Bella, right?" she asked, slowly coming closer to me. Her steps were light, small, and non-threatening. At least they appeared to be. My head was sure she was coming to hurt me. I couldn't stop my actions as I balled myself up, the whimpers still prominent.

When I didn't do more than whimper low in my chest, a growl still low, she went on. "I'm not here to hurt you. No one here ever will."

How did she know my name? How could she possibly know no one would hurt me here? I've been hurt my entire life and being in a place I didn't know wouldn't change how I knew the world worked. Her soft words that were meant to be soothing did nothing but put me on edge more.

Maybe it was more than just her words. It could because I knew there were others like her right out in the hallways, waiting for something. Possibly it was because I was not human any longer.

I couldn't feel the blood rushing through my veins. I couldn't feel pain, not physical anyhow. Mental pain was an entire different story.

"How about we get you some blood?" the girl asked, slowly standing up.

At the mention of blood, my throat began to burn tenfold. It was if I was being stung by a swarm of bees.

"I take that as a yes," she smiled. "Esme, you're up."

A woman with shoulder length caramel hair stepped into the room. The aroma of baked good filled the room. Her yellow eyes made me blink, trying to figure out why she had strange eyes. Just as strange as the red eyes of the other woman that was in the room.

"Hello, Bella," she greeted. Her voice was soft and motherly. "I'm Esme. You'll hear the others in the house call me Mom. I am for our purposes here, the mother of the household. Now, before we get you fed, you need to decide what kind of diet you want. My family feeds on animals, hence the yellow eyes. It helps to bend in with humans. My mate and husband is a doctor, so we give back to the community in any way we can wherever we go. Or you can feed from humans like Charlotte and Peter."

"We choose our victims who are better off being dead. Abusers. Addicts. Homeless. We never touch children," the one I assumed was named Charlotte said. "With the way Peter and I found you, we want to give you the option on what you want to do. Our coven mate has fed both ways, so his eyes are a bit brownish. But that takes a lot of restraint."

"What are you?" I asked, trying to grasp what they were saying. I understood, yet I didn't.

"We are vampires," answered a male voice from behind Esme. His reddish hair was crazy, as if he had just gotten out of bed. "Immortal. Cold skin. Red or yellow eyes."

Vampire. Who would have thought that such things existed?

"What diet do you want to go with?" Charlotte asked, drawing my attention back to her and away from the male. He certainly wasn't helping my shaking any.

"Animal," I answered. There was no possible way that I could be able to touch a human without fearing that they would turn against me.

"Not a problem," Esme said brightly. "We can go through that door right there," she pointed to the door that I hadn't noticed earlier. "And I'll be happy to show you how it's done."

"Are you sure that's wise?" Edward asked, leaning his head to the side.

"Yes," Esme said, not turning to look at him.

"Alright," he said, sighing as if he had been told to back off.

"I'll tag along," Charlotte stated.

Both females went through the door first, and after a few minutes, I stood and followed. My movements were quick. Quicker than I expected and I ended up skidding to a stop feet from Esme, a look of fear on my face.

"It's okay," she soothed. "You'll get used to it soon."

Everything looked greener, dirtier, and earthier out here than ever before. I could smell the dirt and trees. I could feel the small breeze all over my body. Being out here, I felt free.

"Keep up if you can," Charlotte said before taking off in a fast run. Esme followed, slower, waiting for me.

Taking a breath, I let my legs carry me. My body moved easily, not making hardly any sound as my bare feet hit the earth. Leaves that covered the ground floated in the breeze as I ran past them. My messy, tangled hair flew behind me.

At least the reason why I couldn't make out anything while Charlotte had carried me made sense. Everything then had been a blur, but now I could make out every little detail if I concentrated on them. I wanted to stop and admire everything, but the burning in my throat demanded my attention.

All too soon, we all stopped as the sound of beating hearts reached out ears. I could already tell what direction they were coming from. Whatever animal it was, I could only smell wetness, as if they were soaking wet.

"Antelope," Esme said. "You can watch me first, if you want."

"Okay," I whispered. I was still trying to adjust to all of this. My mind was taking everything in. I felt like I should be tired, but I was wide awake with way too much pent up angry energy.

I followed a few feet behind Esme as she ran, chasing the herd across the land. I watched in awe at how easy she was able to take the smallest antelope down without any fight on its part. There was no cry of pain. There was no yelling.

Just as easily, I watched as she sank her teeth into its neck, getting her fill of food. Once the blood was gone, she snapped the animal's neck and left it where it was.

"They coyotes will eat the meat," she explained. "Your turn, Bella."

Without a thought, I charged after the first animal my eyes sought. I didn't pay attention on if it was the biggest or the smallest out of the bunch. I simply followed my instincts by tackling it to the ground and sinking my teeth into its neck just as Esme had.

What I wasn't prepared for was the taste and texture of not only the fur and skin, but also the blood that shot into my mouth. I nearly spat it out, but swallowed the mouthful before feeling it soothing the burn.

Once the blood ran dry, I pushed the animal away from me, a look of disgust covering my features. I wiped the blood from my mouth.

"It does get better," Esme said. "The first few times it is a bit revolting. But it will get better. Our bodies adjust to it."

I could see Charlotte's own disgust on my face as just the thought. "I can't ever understand why you think eating from an animal is the best option."

"Have you tried it?" I asked.

"Yes. Once. Taste like dirt," she sniffed. "Major had talked me and Pete into trying it. Never again."

"This life isn't for everyone. We do what we can to make it easier," Esme said. "Shall we head back home and get you cleaned up?"

I nodded, letting her lead the way back to her house. Now that I was content without a burning throat, I had to wonder what would happen next. Where would I stay? What would become of me?

0000

After getting a nice shower in, clean clothes, and feeling as human as a vampire could, I stood in front of the mirror, staring at my reflection. Bright red eyes pinned me in place. Dark hair fell around my shoulders.

I looked, well not me. I was used to seeing red rimmed eyes, dark bags, and bruises I always attempted to hide. Now, I looked perfect.

This reflection of myself was a lie. I wasn't perfect. I was broken inside. I was so lost to this world, I wished I could die.

Now, if being immortal was true, there was no way to die.

Why did they save me? Why me? Couldn't they just let me die and save me from having to deal with this life along with my human life?

On the way back home from my first hunt, I had asked Charlotte what happened to my lovely father. Apparently, Peter had killed him, draining him dry after breaking all of his bones after I was bitten. I would have liked to kill him myself, but I don't think I'd ever be able to follow through with doing so. Even the thought of him scared me for than running into the unknown.

"Everyone would like to meet you," Esme said, appearing in the doorway, but giving me enough room to get around her if needed.

After feeding, this woman was growing on me. I still wasn't too sure about her, but I did want to believe her. She seemed to be okay. Char too.

"And Char says she needs to head off after her mate soon," she went on.

My panic must have shown, as she was quick to continue on.

"She'll be sure to stay in touch."

"I'll call. A lot. But you really are better off here than you will be with me. I know I'm your sire, and it's my job to protect you, raise you if you will. But you aren't gonna get along with Peter too well. He says you aren't gonna be too friendly with any male for years. Which I don't blame ya after everything I've seen in life. And if those bruises you were covered in are in indication of what you went through, I certainly wouldn't want anything to do with anyone. Ever." Char said as she appeared beside Esme.

"Okay," I muttered, easily passing both of them to hide the tears that clouded my vision. I didn't know why her leaving was upsetting me. I hardly even knew her.

"She'll be fine," spoke a voice from a different room. An almost too high-pitched voice. "I'll keep her mind off of things."

"Don't mind Alice," Esme said. "She'll love to take you shopping and dress you up any chance she gets."

"She's not touching me," I hissed.

"No one will if you don't want them too," Char said quickly as I turned around. I saw her give Esme a pleading look.

"I'll keep her under control," Esme said, giving me a smile. "Now, how about meeting everyone?"

Did I have a choice?

I followed Esme out of the room and into the living room. I stayed behind Char, hiding myself as much as I possibly could. I took in four other people. Esme was quick to introduce me to them all. Alice, the one with black hair. Emmett, the one that looked like a body builder. Rose, the blonde super model. Edward, who I already met. And then Carlisle, who was the head of the coven and a doctor at the local hospital.

Each one of them wisely kept their distance from me. I stood there long enough to glance at each one in turn before I made my escape back to my room. I could hear who I assumed was Rose make a comment about dragging in strays before she was chided by Esme.

I could already tell staying here would probably be more work that it was worth. I just had nowhere else to go.

(End of flashback)

The sound of a car approaching pulled me from my thoughts. Emmett's shoulders straightened as he sat up. It wasn't all that uncommon for someone to stop by unannounced, especially with Esme and Carlisle home. But neither of them was home today. Carlisle was at the hospital, since they were short staffed this week. And Esme had ran into the nearby town to get some new bedding for one of the bedrooms.

I was used to her redecorating every few months. It was her normal thing to do when she was bored. Each of us had our own way of dealing our time.

Today, Emmett should have been at the local high school with the rest of the kids in the house. Alice, Edward and Rose all went, and played the part of being human to stay in this place longer. I didn't mind staying in one spot for years on end. It wasn't like I could go to the human school.

Not because of my blood lust. I kept that under perfect control, actually. It was due to the fact that I couldn't stand the male, or female, attention. The one and only time I had attempted to try to go, I froze and couldn't move.

Carlisle said it was a panic attack. I didn't care what it was called, whatever it was, I was in no hurry to try being around humans more than I absolutely had to. No one pushed me, either.

I was content right where I was.

Emmett had faked being sick today to stay home and hang out with me. His words, not mine, by the way. I was sure that Alice saw something to make one of them stay here with me.

I learned long ago, some things are better off not knowing about. Alice saw the future, but things always change. Everything she saw was never set in stone.

"I'll go see who's here," Emmett said, standing up and placing his controller onto the coffee table in front of us. "You are welcome to come join me."

"I'm good here," I said, giving him a small smile.

As he expected my answer to be just that, he nodded his head before heading up to the three stairs. I could hear each footstep he took the entire way to the door. I did notice that whoever had stopped by were not human. There were no heart beats.

I had no idea how many guests were here, and that alone made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end.

I hated surprises.

Low voices reached my ears right before Emmett opened the door and his booming voice was louder than anyone else's.

"Well, if I had known you folks were gonna be here, I'd have put on my hat," he spoke, faking a southern accent horribly.

"You ain't funny one bit, man," stated a male voice. A voice I had heard over the phone a number of times when my sire had called to check in with me.

"I gotta try," Emmett said with a laugh. "How you been?"

"Good, good," the male answered as they all entered the house. I could easily count three new set of feet not too far over from me.

"Where's my girl?" Char asked, easily bypassing the men.

"Theater room," Emmett said. "She's in a stabbing mood."

"I only stabbed you once!" I half yelled, knowing he'd hear me.

"You two fight like an old couple," Char joked.

"Glad we aren't either of them," Emmett counted.

Seconds later, Char stood right in front of me, blocking the TV. "Hey, Suga."

"Hey," I smiled. It was rare that I smiled a real smile. But this vampire before me was one of the few that could get me to feel happy with just her presence or a phone call. She knew me better than the coven to an extent.

Her and Peter had been the ones to leave me here, knowing that I'd be safe. Peter had these feelings that he followed, and those said feelings told him I would be better off here with animal eating vampires. Charlotte had tried her hardest to let me tag along with them, knowing losing my sire on top of everything wouldn't help me overcome my past.

I think I would have still been stuck in the past either way. I didn't care much now that I was left here with the Cullen's, because I knew I could leave if I ever really wanted to.

"How you doing?"

"Peachy," I shrugged.

"I brought someone I want you to meet," she said, raising an eyebrow. "Other than Peter, of course."

I hadn't met Peter in person once over the past six years. He thought I would no doubt be scared of him because of his battle scars from his army days in the vampire wars. From what I'd heard, his sire had saved him, giving him an out of that type of war like life.

"Okay," I said, my smile fading and nerves taking over me.

"You are making progress!" Char said, a bounce in her step as she took a hold of my hand and led me towards where the males were all gathered in the living room.

"I'm only doing this to make you happy," I muttered.

"I think you'll like my friend," she said, not worried at all. I always did wonder what made these creatures not have a care in the world. I think that feeling left me way before I was first hurt by my own father.

Once we reached the living room, I stopped in my tracks. That in turn caused Charlotte to skid to a stop in front of me. It would have been funny as she nearly tripped over her feet if I wasn't in shock. Well, not shock, but something along those lines.

"Hey there girl," Peter said, tipping his cowboy hat at me. His eyes were bright red, strong jaw, and an all-knowing look about him. He wore long sleeves on his arms. "Nice to finally meet you without you being all human."

"Eh. Hi," I said, my voice barely there.

"Told you she wouldn't be too welcoming," Emmett said quietly.

"She'd be like that to just about anyone that comes through that door," Peter shrugged. "She's not biting my head off, so I call that a win."

"That's Jasper," Char said, drawing my attention to the new male. He wore similar clothes to Peter, covering his arms in a long-sleeved shirt. His red eyes stared at me, as if he saw right through me. Like he saw my inner scars that I tried so hard to hide from Esme when she got a sad look.

His blond hair was down to his chin in soft waves, and for some reason I had the urge to run my fingers through it.

"Howdy, ma'am," he said, his voice riverboating right through me.

I simply gave him a nod back before turning and running back to the safety of my room. It felt as though I had my tail caught on fire.

"That went better than I figured it would," Emmett said.

"She'll get used to us," Peter said, sure I would.

I was tempted to tell them to not hold their breath. I wouldn't get used to either one of them in the place I knew I'd be safe. Surely the Cullen's knew these males were here and they'd make them ago away. Peter, I could deal with since he was Charlotte's mate and all. But Jasper – I don't know what to make of him.

0000

A few hours later, I heard all but Carlisle arrived home. I listened as they talked and got caught up on the past. Apparently, Jasper had once been a part of this coven, but had left to travel with Peter for the past ten years or so. He seemed to fit right in, like he knew just who he was.

I listened as Alice tried, and failed, to get Jasper to go anywhere with her. She tried to get him a new makeover. She then attempted to get him to go hunting. Nothing worked.

Even Charlotte saw what she was doing and muttered something to her that was too low for me to hear. Whatever it was, it had put a stop to it, thankfully. I wasn't sure I'd be able to take much more of Alice trying to flirt with someone who wasn't hers to have.

Why was I thinking she was trying to take something from me, even if I didn't have it?

What the heck was wrong with me?

Opening the glass door, I stepped out onto the balcony and looked out over the brown grass. I sat down on the floor, enjoying the nice cold breeze that blew through my hair. This was my sanctuary. I loved being outside, but not very far from the house. Being alone like that made me second guess everything.

I was getting tired of second guessing myself. I hated my past that kept haunting me. I just hated life most of the time, no matter if I was human or vampire.

"Why do you hate whatever you are thinking about?" spoke Jasper as he swung himself up and over the banister. Wisely, he kept his distance and took a seat against one of the corners that was farthest from where I sat. One leg was spread out in front of him while the other was bent up to his chest.

"Because life sucks," I said, keeping an eye on him as I played with the hem of my pants as my legs were folded together.

"Sometimes," he agreed. "It does. But there's a lot to be happy about."

"Like what?" I asked. "How can I be happy that I was abused by my father. I was even raped by him! He hated me, and nearly killed me. And now because of that, I can't stand anyone else."

"I killed my father before I became what I am," he mused. "He beat my Ma bad daily. I got fed up and took my shotgun to his head."

"That doesn't help me like you, if that's why you are here," I said.

"I'm not making you like me. I'm trying to get you to understand that no life is perfect. No life is full of happiness. But you seem overly depressed. You have a good family to stand behind you, you know."

"It's me, not them," I said, my shoulders dropping. "I don't feel like I belong here. Or anywhere, really."

"Why not?" he asked.

"I'm not social. I hate people. And I hate life."

"I'm not social, either, Bella," he said, lowering his voice. "So come with me, Peter and Char when we leave. Explore the world and get out of your head. You'll be surprised by how much that can help."

"And do what?"

"See the land. Eat a few humans, or animals, and learn how much the world fears us. There is nothing to fear from us. We strive to be the main fear of this world. Humans, if they knew we were real, would run and hide from anyone pale skinned. So, what do you say?"

"I don't know," I answered, my thought swirling.

I couldn't possibly be thinking about this, could I? Would I really be able to travel with two males and be okay with it?

I wasn't so sure.

"You never know unless you try, darling," he said, leaning his head back against the side of the house and looking up at the stars. "I certainly wouldn't mind your company, as long as you leave that depression shit here when we leave."

"Easier said than done," I huffed. Man, I wished it was that easy.

"Then what's holding you back? Why keep all that pent up angry and the world at large? Why not try to fight past it?"

"I have no reason to," I shrugged. No one had given me a reason to try to fight. No one had given me ways to try. Not until this vampire here. What made him so different?

"I can be your reason. Plus, it'll get that pixie off my back," he muttered. "A win for both of us."

"What if I can't?" I asked, my voice cracking from the fear of just the idea.

"I'll be there to help ya," he shrugged, as if it was that simple. "I'm an empath."

What the heck was I to say to that?

"Are you scared of me right now?" he asked.

"No," I answered after a moment. I was leery of him, but I wasn't scared. I should be. I hadn't been in the presence of a male other than Emmett for this long without fleeing.

"I don't even have to use my gift to make you comfortable. We just have to be ourselves and you'll perfectly fine," he drawled.

"Have you used your – whatever it is – on me?" I couldn't help but wonder.

"No," he answered, turning his head to look at me. "I wanted to when I first laid eyes on you, but I haven't. It wouldn't help you with what's going on inside your head. I know when and how to use my gift, and that darkness in you isn't going to just go away because I make you happy and content for a few minutes. It would make it worse, actually."

"Probably so," I sighed. "Do you really think getting out of here would be worth it? Would it really help?"

"No way to tell unless you try, suga," he said. "I'll let you think it over. You are welcome to join us, and no one will dare look at you differently."

With that, he stood and jumped down from the balcony, disappearing into the night.

000

The rest of the night, and most of the next day, I was left alone. I held up in my room, lost deep in thought. I didn't pay attention to the voices downstairs, even when they seemed to be arguing. It was mostly Alice that was doing the yelling, as things apparently didn't look good in her head for something.

Did she see me leaving? Had she possibly seen me happy? Or was it so horrible that the idea should be forgotten all together?

Whatever it was, I wasn't sure I wanted to know.

It wasn't like they could keep me here against my will. I could leave if I wanted to.

And man did I want to. I was tired of Alice and her visions. I was tired of Edward and I not getting along. I was fed up with Rose thinking she was better than I was. Well, she probably was. At least her and Emmett were all for me leaving with the trio of coven mates. Surprisingly, she stuck up for me, even though I wasn't there to state my thoughts.

When the sun was high in the sky, and the house was quiet as the school kids had left to attend school and Carlisle went to work, Char came to find me.

She stood above me, as I was laying on my back, staring up at the ceiling. I blinked at her as she came into view.

"Looks like you're bored there little one," she said, cocking her head to the side.

"Thinking," I answered, pushing myself to sit up. I was used to being board, but I always found something to keep my mind busy. Thinking was one of those ways. Didn't mean what I thought was the best route to go, though.

Alice had called me enough times over the years when my thoughts took me away. I'd always think of trying to kill me off, knowing it would no good. I wouldn't really do it, I think. But you never know. If I was board enough who knows.

"About what?" Char asked, plopping down beside me.

"Life. Choices."

"I'm surprised Jasper offered. He doesn't get along with others well," she said.

"Neither do I," I counted.

"He must see something in you," she went on. "And you are more than welcome to join us at any time. You do know that, right?"

"I do," I said. "I was content here. Am content. But I feel like I'm missing something."

"We all do until we find our mate," she said. She had said that a few years ago during one of many phone calls that I can blabbed all my feelings out. I had been frustrated that things weren't getting better at the time. Shortly after that, I grew to be content to deal with what I was offered and not complain about life. There was no point in being upset over things I had no control over.

"I think it might be time you spread your wings and fly," she said, a smile on her lips. "It should have already happened. Peter even agrees, for once. When it's come to you, he's been worried about pushing you on things. But you can't find out what's out there if no one is willing to hang with you through the good and the bad."

"What if I can't do it?"

"What if you can? What if you find something worthwhile out there with us? You shouldn't be afraid of being afraid and failing. You should embrace this chance with everything you have and just go for it. Aren't you tired of being here under constant watch because you can't deal with males? Aren't you tired of being in this house, period?"

"Well, ya," I answered. Who wouldn't be?

"Then come with us when we leave tonight," she said. "Easy, peasey. And don't you dare tell me another fear. You can't know things if you don't try, Bella-B."

"What did Alice see?"

"You happy, after a few trials and errors," she said. "She's more upset at the fact that Jasper will be able to help you more than anyone else ever can."

"Why? I know he's different than the others, but why him?"

"Because he knows emotions better than anyone. He has experience with dealing with newborns and their crazy emotions. But you are different than we all are too. Maybe you are both what each other needs."

"Okay. I'll go," I said after a few last minutes of thought. What did I have to lose?

"Great!" she said, wrapping me in her arms quickly for a moment before letting me go. "Pack what you need. We can always buy whatever else you need along the way. So pack light!"

000

As the sun set that night, Alice was sitting on the couch pouting, Edward was in his room, hiding, and the rest were telling me that I would always be welcomed back, no matter what. Once Char was able to pull me out of Esme's hug, we loaded into the car and headed off.

I was sitting in the back with Jasper with Peter and Char up front. My one bag of items I was bringing with me was in the trunk. The two up front kept bickering back and forth like an old married couple. Each of them were not afraid to point out little facts that drove the other nuts without fear.

Just watching them made me wonder why they left me with the Cullen's. Surely being in their presence would have helped me way better than anything else. I needed to see them acting like they didn't have a care in the world and just say whatever was on their mind.

I noticed that Jasper was a lot like I was. Quiet, content, and just able to sit back and watch everything that went on around him. That alone made me drawn to him more and more as the time passed between us. I couldn't help but catch myself staring at him more than I wanted to admit. He didn't seem to mind as he leaned his head back and watched out the side window.

Observing him, he seemed liked he was an old soul, other than being around for however long he'd been a vampire. But just his personality seemed like he was wise beyond his years.

I wondered what his life story was. I knew he had sired Peter in the vampire wars, but what else was there. He seemed to carry the world on his shoulders, but he held it a lot better than I ever would be able to dream of doing.

"Enjoying watching me over there?" Jasper asked finally. It had been easily three hours since we left the Cullen home. The past hour I had given up trying to be sneaky.

"You intrigue me," I said.

"Any idea why that would be?" he asked, moving so he faced me as well as he could in a small cramped place.

"You don't make me want to run away from you," I said. "Every other male has. Well, besides Emmett. It may have taken him nearly a year, but he always treated me like a sister without walking on egg shells. You treat me that same way."

"Treating you like you are going to break is no way to treat you. You can process everything just fine. I didn't agree with those two about leaving you with them, but I also didn't really have the time to keep track of ya myself. I was a bit pre-occupied."

"Doing what?"

"This and that," he shrugged.

"Hitting pussy," Peter coughed. Jasper was quick to hit him on the back of his head for that comment.

"I was dealing with my own crap, if you want to know. Making new ties to keep me safe if the vampire rulers thought to seek out the Cullen's."

Ah yes, I had heard of the rulers from Carlisle. Apparently, they checked in with the Cullen's every century or so. Alice was positive that the coven would never be separated because of the rulers, but I had my doubts. It looked like Jasper did too.

"I'm surprised they haven't jumped at the chance to take some talent yet," Char stated. "A group of very talented vampires all in one spot."

"They are scared of me," Jasper said. "Everyone is."

"I'm not," I said, the words filled with truth. For some reason, I hadn't feared this being one bit.

"You shouldn't be. I would never hurt you, darlin," Jasper said, winking my way.

Was it possible for a vampire to feel butterflies in one's stomach?

"I'll make sure you never have to fear me. Others will fear you just as much once they know what we are."

"What are we?" I asked, not sure I wanted to know the answer.

"I wouldn't tell her," Peter huffed.

"I can if I want You aren't the boss of me, Captain," Jasper growled deep in his throat.

That growl . . . . .

Was I crushing on a vampire? Was I really going in insane?

Guess if I was, it was better than being depressed. Insane I could possibly pull off.

Turning my head out my window, I let my eyes flash over the lands as Peter continued to drive. The talk between the three was tense for a few minutes before Peter broke the thickness with some joke that was certainly not funny. He thought it was; no one else did.

Peter reminded me a lot of Emmett with his joking and funny nature, so I knew it'd be okay. I'd be okay hanging out with these three for a few weeks to years if I so desired.

000

Three months passed as we traveled state to state. We stopped at Peter's and Char's house for a few weeks before we moved on to the next one. They certainly didn't seem like they stayed in one place for very long.

Truthfully, I didn't mind too much. I liked exploring and learning who these three vampires were. They never pushed me when they could tell I was on the brink of a panic attack, and Jasper never used his gift to make me calm down. He wanted me to learn how to cope on my own, and I truly was finally.

Over the past three months, he was right there almost all the time, helping me figure out what I was as a vampire. I ended up doing the same diet as him – human and animal. I liked the way it made me feel more in control of not only my emotions, but my thoughts too.

I felt more like myself.

True, if it wasn't for these three, I would forever be stuck with the Cullen's being depressed and longing for me.

Maybe all I really needed was someone that was willing to give me a chance and push me to get out of my head and see what the world truly had to offer.

Jasper and I had just gotten back from a hunt. My meal consisted of a rapist that almost had its way with a pretty girl that would be safe for another night. Jasper had stood back and watch, fascinated.

Now, we were laying in the grass at one of the property's that Jasper owned as the other two vampires were who knows where. They tended to go off on their own after hunting, and I preferred to not hear them have sex.

Eww.

Okay, I was lying and Jasper was sitting, lost in thought. He tended to do that quite often, I noticed. Today, I had the guts to ask him what he was thinking.

"The future," he asked, looking at me as if I was the one holding all the answers.

"What about it?"

"Do you ever think about it?" he asked.

"Not really. I'm happier here with you than I ever remember being," I answered. "I'm glad you asked me to come with you."

"I'm glad you accepted," Jasper said. "But do you know why you feel so comfortable around me?"

I had a good inkling.

"Over the past few months, you've come to mean a lot to me, you know," Jasper went on. "I hope you know that."

"I do. I appreciate everything you've done, Jasper. Really, I do."

"Good," he said.

The next moment, before I could react or do anything, Jasper's lips met mine. I hadn't even seen him move, so I was taken by surprise. My heart exploded, expanded and stopped all at once.

I was frozen in place as his lips gently met mine. He pulled back, looking at my eyes. Now he was the one frozen.

Feeling his uncertainty, I laid a hand at the nape of his neck as I lifted my lips to meet his this time.

Hips lips twisted into a smile against mine.

This. This right here was what I had been searching for. This is what I was missing.

I was missing my mate, and I hadn't even known it.


End file.
